Mumblings from a wise fool

I don't think anybody reads this so this should be a safe space to vent. I can't talk to anybody because they'll explode all over me. I have a girlfriend for the first time in over a decade, possibly closer to two decades, I don't keep track. I have a nice job. On paper my life is going pretty well.

I've blown out one knee, my weight is increasing no matter what I do, my mother has died and I never did manage to reconnect with her. I feel like I failed her....I'm so tired. I'm tired of living. I can't kill myself but I just want to die. I'm in a constant state of overwhelmed by grief about the stupidity and self destructive nature of my country, combined with what's going on in my my head and life...I just want to die. I can't, I know that, but I want to. I haven't started self harming, I'm not trying to kill myself. But I want to die, not all the time, but enough that it's sad. I have nothing to offer a country / world in this condition. It doesn't want hope. We have the government that we deserve. They're going to destroy every system that is in place to keep this country safe and healthy and then cry when it's too late that they didn't know. I don't want to see that. I don't want to be a part of any of this. So many of my friends are trying to be positive and work towards change, and I'll sign the things and make a couple of calls a day. But I know the truth. It's already too late. Sanity and life have lost. The people in charge now are going to kill my country and probably take much of the living population of the world with them as we go down....and we deserve it. We did it, they're our consequences we have to live and die with them.

Excelsior

I have a good job at Cisco. Well at a temp agency that has me working at Cisco. I wish that I had more of a sense that it would go on. I'd really like to move to Oregon. With my current job I could do it anywhere. All I need is wifi to do this job. It would be nice to move some place further north. On the other hand my emotions are such a balancing act from day to day, could I handle that big a change, being cut off from my support structures? I like many of the bits that I've built up around myself here, but I want to get out of the bay area. But my daughter is here, and I like seeing my daughter on a regular basis. I don't know....my thoughts are chaotic.

Blessings on all who read this.

I'm depressed. I could analyze what the triggers were, but since I'm feeling all alone no matter who's around, I'm going to leave it at the fact that all my close people have special someones and are building a life with them.

I keep trying to be social, but the introvert is strong in me and I can't make myself go out and see people. I'm getting anxiety when I try. So it's my fault that I'm alone. I can't cut myself off from humanity and then bitch that my tiny feelings are hurt because I'm cut off from humanity. But that's what this is anyway.

Today the loneliness is pressing in on me. It feels like I'm completely isolated. I have a loving daughter and am on good terms with my ex and her fiance. There are people who would miss me if I were gone. But there's nobody for me to share the joy of a good day, or the pain of a bad day. I have nobody that I can surprise with flowers or poetry at random times. I have nobody who I can share my life with. I'm not even sure that my life is worth sharing at this point.

I'm pretty sure that if I planned it right it would take a week for anybody to realize that I wasn't around. Not that I'm thinking of not being around, but a week isn't so long. I've been more isolated than that before.

I know that the depression is a liar, it whispers things that I know aren't true, it shades the truth in such a fashion as to make all the worst interpretations, the correct ones, or at least the obvious ones. It narrows my field of vision until there is nothing on the horizon but itself. Endless depression, waking death, tip toeing through the mine feels.

I know these things with my mind but I don't feel them in my heart. I've always been driven by both and it's hard when the horses want to pull the chariot in too different directions and I don't seem to have any reigns.

Bah, there is nothing to be done because I'm not going to find somebody, and nobody is looking to find me. I will slog through this mine feel and I will come out on the other side remembering that I don't need anybody else to make me feel whole. I am enough all by myself.

But I don't want to be.

I really love my job, but I almost quit today. I'm frustrated by too many things, and some of them are my fault, and they're things that I may be able to change, but some of the things are the way that I perceive that I'm being spoken to. I need to change some things, and I don't know if that means dropping my last 3 ILS clients completely or getting another ILS staff in to take part of C's hours per week. I like his family, but they're frustrating me quite a bit. The mother who is my friend was talking to me today and giving me orders and ultimatums for working with her son. It's her family, I get that, but I can't work with somebody breathing down my neck micro managing and critiquing every aspect of my job, especially when in the same breaths she's telling me that I'm doing a lousy job. I don't need the hours badly enough to put up with that.

I don't know if I'm just being whiny or if I need to demand more respect in the workplace, or if I should just write off this client and let other staff have this headache. This is not the only portion of my day that stressed me out but this was the straw that nearly caused me to walk out today.

The stress made me depressed for hours afterwards I even thought of quitting the whole job. If a girl that I like hadn't called tonight to invite me to run errands with her I might have sat here all night getting more and more depressed. This worries me because when I used to let depression rule my life my physical health suffered and I either drank or did some other self injuring behavior....I've not done this in a long time...but I'm hyper sensitive to the possibility of that door opening again. I feel if I'm not vigilant enough it could sneak up on me and that scares me.

Meh

I hate moving. All of my childhood that's all I effing did. I moved all over this mofo country and while I like the place, it's installed within me a desire for some stability whilst at the same time convincing me that there is really no such thing. I've been at this apartment for almost a decade. I have a shot at a new place with free rent. I'd be surrounded by apartments filled with clients who will want things from me and I'll have to work hard to keep them from trying to come at me at all hours. There are a few clients living in that community that I don't really care for. Not that, that means anything, I am a professional. I am polite to Anthony, former boss, who I dislike intensely. But then he's a bully and the way to push my buttons quickly is to pick on folks with less power than yourself. I would be on call for emergencies but I don't have to be available for every petty squabble.

But I digress...

This is change, I don't like it. I attract it like it were dirt and I am covered in honey but this could be good change. I don't like the idea of change, but I like the idea of free rent, even if I will never truly be "off" work. Now there is no saying that I'll get the apartment, apps and resume's need to be in by Monday and I've not worked on my resume in a couple of years. Plus while I feel that my superiors love me and I have a lot of seniority so I feel that if I apply for it, I will get it. That doesn't mean that I will get it.

Today I'm getting very very drunk. This is such a bad idea. But it's happening. I'll think more later...I have so many things to think about but I'm not going to be thinking tonight...about anything...it's best.

Nope

Hello world,

How have you been? I'm trying to write more this year, almost none of it has shown up here in Live Journal. My stupid brain won't shut up. Now my car is in the shop again which is going to make my rent late because I can't afford both...sigh. But what my brain keeps asking me is who am I? I don't know what it means by that. It just circles back and around. It's like I hear a voice over a radio near my head asking who I am. Sometimes I actually answer it, but it doesn't help. It just keeps talking. Asking the same question over and over. I ignore it, I talk to it, sometimes I lie to it and make up names. The voice doesn't seem to care. I don't think I'm crazy...I mean it's not like the voice tells me to do things. I'm not even sure that I am actually hearing it and it's not just in my head. I have a great imagination. I think it's in my head and that I'm not crazy. Though I worry about being crazy.

Okay world that's my life at the moment.


Until next time world,




Excelsior!

I usually pick truth. I have almost no secrets of my own and I'm something of a coward. Dares have gotten me into trouble in the past....they've also gotten me into a lot of fun, but in general I choose truth because it is how I roll.

Hello World,


I know I don't post often enough on here. I'm going to try and be better at that this year. I'm going to aim for once a week and see where it goes from there.

My X Moose was lovely. Went in on expensive gifts for people and the people really enjoyed them. Daughter got a Headless body for making clothing on that will hopefully fit her as the body is supposed to be her size. Bird got a wheel that she can throw mud at and hopefully make pretty things but for me only makes a mess.

There were of course the traditional x moose pancakes. I screwed up on the 1st batch and had to toss them, so I was about 15 minutes late coming down making a new batch from scratch. The new batch seemed to go over quite well, sweetened, vanilla pancakes, yum!

I took two weeks off for the holiday season and that was nice, really helped for the solstice vigil, not having to get up and go to work after waiting for the sun to rise in the morning. Much of the rest of it was spent arranging my time so that I could let goats out of their manger in the morning and put them back before it got dark enough for mountain lions to eat them, and feeding horses.

Mike got me a nice looking pressure cooker that I need to use soon. I just can't decide what to cook! My first pressure cooker. Very exciting!

Leigh gave me a food processor that looks really cool too, but again I haven't even tried it out yet.

Michael came to stay for the last week of the vacation, I believe he leaves today to go back to his mom's house.

Apparently boyfriends are shipped with couches. Daughter got a surprise couch, from her grandparents, and when she opened her door to be surprised by it, she was further surprised by her boyfriend leaping out from behind it.

Jerry had to go to China for what he thinks will be about 6 months, so that's put a damper on Joe's game.

Andrew had a melt down of some sort during Patrick's game so, since we were gaming at his house we all left, and resumed the game at Jenn's place, but Patrick had been planning on ending the campaign anyway, so that game is over.

Chris's fatigue syndrome is interfering with her hosting games so we've moved that game to a denny's....not sure how I feel about that. I think we're trying an IHOP this month, but I don't recall the date of the game.

Trying to convince David to start up his game again.

Trying to get my schedule worked out so that I can take a class this semester.

Need to make an appointment to donate platelets again, I've been lax about that for a couple of months now.

I think that is all that is going on in my life right now world,

so I shall leave you with,


Excelsior!